How to stain a house:

Step #1. Wait almost 3 years after the house really needs staining.

Step #2. Take can of stain from last time to paint store, they don't make it anymore. Decide on a new colour.

Step # 3. Select the hottest summer on record, and choose most humid day possible.

Step # 4. While picking up cans of stain to take outside, drop one sending a significant amount of stain over the back room, including 2 pairs of wife's shoes.

Step #5. Curse.

Step #6. Clean-up back room, needed it anyway.

Step #7.* Stain for an hour and decide it's too hot, quit.*

Repeat from * to * until finished.